I only had one nephew

                                                   

I only had one nephew.

His name was Caleb David Churder. He was born on November 7, 1982 the youngest of my sister's three kids. He left this earth on January 11, 2013. I was going to say that he left US, but really, I don't think it was us he was leaving, I believe he was leaving his earthly struggle with a pain that we will never understand. His mom and dad, his sisters, myself and my kids as well as many other people loved this boy fiercely and will hold him in our hearts for the rest of our earthly days. None of us can quite comprehend or believe that he will not be part of any family gatherings that occur from now on. None of us will ever have a chance to hear his laugh, talk to him, hug him or express our love to him in any way ever again.

       None of us understands why he did it. Yes, he was struggling financially, yes, he was depressed, but he had plans, he had dreams, and he was so full of ideas that we were all sure that one of these days he was going to hit it big.

       This kid was brilliant. I mean he was so smart that he tested out of high school at 16, and was teaching some kind of college class when he was 18. I'm totally serious and that is not a typo--he was teaching. College. He also wrote poems and stories. He was so brilliant that at times he would be describing his ideas or explaining a story and what he said would be flying right over our heads, but he was so passionate and excited that we did our best to encourage him to continue. I'm sure his brilliance probably isolated him to some degree. When no one around you is on your intellectual level, it's gotta be lonely.

       But on the other hand, we all know Caleb loved us and enjoyed talking to us. His sisters, in particular, had a warm, close, intimate relationship with him.  The 3 of them were born 2 years apart and at some point early in their lives, I think it was their dad that started calling them "The Churder babies" and they were pretty much inseparable. My sister was going through pictures to illustrate Caleb's life and there were dozens of the three of them together laughing and being silly and enjoying each other's company. I can't even describe how incredible my sister's kids are and how much I love them. The hole that is created by Caleb's absence from their lives is an abomination. It just can't be! But it is. I ache that my nieces will never get to hang out and joke around with their brother again. I ache that my sister and brother-in-law will never be able to hug their son again. Especially my sister. My sister. Cannot hug her son. Ever again. As a mother, I can only imagine the profoundness of this pain.

       It's so hard to process this loss.

       My own kids were close to Caleb as well. Although I come from a family of 5 siblings, only one of my sisters and I were blessed with children. We were the 2 youngest siblings in our family and maybe it had something to do with our family's loss of our mother at a young age that the older three of our siblings chose not to have kids.

       So my sister, Elizabeth, had her first child when I was 19. I adored that baby. And when her second little girl came along, I adored her, too. And unbelievably enough, when Caleb came along, I had enough adoration to adore him as well. I hung out with them ALOT. Many of the photos that my sister has of her kids when they were little were photos I took because I thought those kids were so incredibly adorable. And THEY WERE! I have a bond with my sister's kids that is hard to explain but very strong. So when my kids came along, it was natural for them to become good friends with their cousins. More accurately, the five of them were closer than friends, closer than cousins. They were more like siblings. They all love each other deeply and consider each other the coolest people on earth. Not in a conceited way. Just in a love each other way.

       Over the years we haven't often lived in close proximity to each other but somehow we have managed to maintain a very close relationship.

       I haven't even sat down to look through my own pictures of my nephew but I know that I have many, and they will stir up memories of all the good times we had together. Caleb even lived with us for a little while a few years ago. I remember that he built a frame for a ping pong table we had that was falling apart. He and I shared a gene of competitiveness that compelled him to put together this ping pong table so that we could play each other. I remember him making up words for some of the things that occurred with the ping pong ball that there were no terms for. I just tried to find the notebook where he wrote those down and I don't know where it is. I hope I can find it. I'm sure as I go through my things, I will come across many reminders of the time we spent together. And every time I do, a stab of pain will pierce my heart. But that's okay because the pain of losing him is a reminder of how much I loved him.

I only had one nephew. And now he's gone.