women I admire . . .

Yesterday, I found myself thinking about women who inspire me and why. The women I was thinking about were women that I know, rather than public figures or celebrities or even religious leaders because I believe that unless we know a person personally, the image we have of them is probably not who they really are. Everyone has many elements to their personality--everyone has qualities to admire as well as faults. But there are a few people in my life that I really admire and in some ways that I wish I could be more like. As I've gotten older, I've come to realize that I am who I am, and that there are things about myself that I can't really change as much as I might want to. I also realize that some of the things that drive me crazy in other people are possibly things that I see in myself that I don't like.

Anyway, I want to list at least some of the women that I admire for qualities that I may never have but on the flipside, I will also list something I see in them that I consider a fault. (And those faults may very well be my own as well. Or maybe they are qualities I wish I had?)

 My sister, E -- She has a playfulness and joy about her that has defied her circumstances almost her entire life. Anyone who spends any amount of time with her comes away feeling that she is their friend. And she is.

BUT - She is self-deprecating to a fault.

How these 2 qualities can exist so strongly within one person is an enigma.

My Aunt D-- She lives across the country from me but I spent enough time with her over the years that I feel like I know her well enough to put her on this list. Aunt D is another person who radiates joy. She has a great sense of humor and is beautiful because her joy shows in the lines of her face. I have often said that I want the wrinkles I develop as I get older to be more laugh lines than worry lines. For that, I emulate my Aunt D.

BUT - She has some prejudices that I find hurtful.

  

 My friend from work -- T.C. I think all the women I admire have this quality of charisma and joy that eludes me in my own personality. T is also that kind of person. She cares. Her heart goes out to anyone she knows who might be in trouble and she always thinks of just the right thing to do to help them out. It might be in a seemingly small way, but it is always meaningful. She also has a ton of energy and when she sets her mind to get something done, her determination is relentless.

BUT - She has very strong opinions about certain things and I fear that she will lose respect for me if I voice disagreement. And sometimes I think she's generous to a fault.

My friend of 20 years, C.H.-- Another woman who has a deep joy within her, although it has seemed to be tempered a bit over the years by worry and adverse circumstance. C has a heart of service. She is always seeking to live her faith and put others needs ahead of her own. She is one of the kindest people I know and, like my sister, has countless friends because she makes those around her feel loved. She is also fun to be around.

BUT - She works so hard that I think she's wearing herself down. Her work ethic intimidates me. I could not do what she does, and, frankly, I wouldn't want to.

My cousin- W.M. I guess I'm violating my own rules by putting her on my list because unfortunately, I haven't spent much time with my cousin W. I've only actually gotten to see her in person twice. One time was over 30 years ago when, as a teenager I visited my relatives across the country. W was then a new mom of twins but I remember hitting it off with her (for one thing because one of her twins had the same name as me and though she didn't know it one of my dreams was to have lots of kids--including boy/girl twins) because we both enjoyed writing. We wrote letters to each other a few times but, of course, she was busy with her family so the correspondence gradually stopped. But then I met her a second time at a family reunion a few years ago and we became facebook friends. I so admire the relationship that W has with her family. After all these years, she and her husband still adore each other and the things that she and her kids write back and forth to each other are great fun and full of love. Also, a big thing I admire is W's commitment to an organization she and her friend started called "A Lasting World." She also participates in a camp in Appalachia for underprivileged kids there. Basically, she's living the life I dreamed of. Now, because I'm so far away, I know there are things I don't know about and I realize that I'm making my judgments based on facebook posts and my own imagination, but I still admire her.

BUT - Well, see, that's what I mean. I don't know her well enough to know her faults. . .

For now, I'm going to stop with these 5.

More later.   

gifts. . .

How do you come up with a meaningful gift for a loved one? I think the first thing you have to do is listen to them. Not just around the gift giving occasion but all year round. What do they long for? If you are out shopping with them, is there something they are drawn to? Have they mentioned something they would like to have or do someday? For me, I have to write things down or I will forget. I like to keep a gift list that gives me ideas when an occasion for a gift arises.

Besides listening, I observe. What colors do they love? What is their style? Are they "green"? Do they try to be eco-conscious? What do they love to do? Where do they love to go? What do they like to eat or drink? Gift certificates are wonderful if they are for something that you know the person likes.

Of course, if finances are limited, it can be harder to come up with a good gift, but it just takes a little more effort.

Writing a heartfelt note can be one way to express love. Giving a music mix of either songs that you like and want to share or of songs that you think they will like based on what you've observed of their taste in music, is a pretty fun gift. I think that a mix accompanied by a note explaining your choices is a pretty good combo and shows that you've put some thought into the gift. I did this for my daughter's 25th birthday, using songs that reminded me of her starting from a song I listened to during my pregnancy through the years of her growing up to things we had done together and a couple of songs of encouragement to her. She loved it.

I think that anything that you make yourself is special. Whether it is a drawing or painting, a computer generated slideshow, something yummy to eat, something you've sewn or knitted, a decorative creation or whatever, if you can say, "I made this for you," a person that you love will think about the time you spent with them on your mind, and it will mean a lot. I think of the things people have made for me and I realize that every time I see or use them, I think of that person with warmth.

money . . .

Today, my 2 girlfriends from work and I went to our usual weekly lunch together at Country Harvest. One of them (TC) pointed out that we wouldn't be seeing our favorite waitor again before Valentine's Day and she wanted to do a little something for him. I swear that girl brings him something every week. Not only do we almost always leave him a $10 tip (on our $15-25 order), but TC is in the habit of giving him a lottery ticket as well. When she brought up the Valentine thing, I told her that I was broke and just doing lunch was probably more than I should spend so I wouldn't be able to contribute. But she went ahead and got him a little heart shaped cake covered in strawberries from our bakery. Our other friend (TB) helped pay for it but all I could do was give her the $1 I had left over from my $10 allotted for lunch.

Anyway, at lunch, TC was telling me and TB about the open house that she had attended the night before at her daughters' high school. One particular teacher made a big impression on her. He is an economics teacher who got into teaching 9 years ago after he retired from the business world as a way to "give back" by teaching high school kids about economics. But his interest is more in teaching them about money in the real world than necessarily about the curriculum dictated by the state of California that the kids are supposed to learn by reading the very boring textbook. Now, obviously he has to do the job he's paid to do but from what TC was saying, he was so interesting in the 15 minute time he was allotted for this parent meeting that she didn't want to leave. And another parent actually told him that she wanted to take his class.

The girls and I talked about how very few high school kids are ready to learn about handling money because they've had so little experience with it. I think back to when I was in high school (lo, these many years ago) and I know I did not understand how credit cards work and (more importantly) how they can get you into so much trouble. I would not have listened to the wisdom of starting a retirement savings back then because of the miracle of compound interest. I know this because I'm sure that my Dad tried to tell me these things and all I ever thought was that he was the stingiest, tightest man in the world and he never seemed to have any fun. I knew that my dad learned his lessons as a young man who grew up during the depression and I kind of understood where he was coming from but I never thought that depression-like conditions would happen again, at least in my lifetime. But lo and behold, they pretty much have. And though it isn't quite as bad as the first time around because of some of the protections put into place after the first occurrence, the economy has been bad for a long stretch now, and it doesn't look like things are going to turn around anytime soon.

I don't know how many times I've thought to myself, "I wish I had someone to advise me what to do to get out of the mess I have made with my finances." Not that I am as bad off as some, but I have made some stupid moves that I regret and I'm almost afraid to do ANYTHING now, for fear that it will just make matters worse.

So I wish this wonderful high school teacher would offer a class to us adults who are anxious to refresh our knowledge about this stuff since we've been around the block a few times and realize that the pitfalls we were warned about are very, very real. Or maybe we should sit in with the high schoolers and relate our experiences to them in hopes that they won't make the same ones. . . Nah, that never works.  

babies. . .

Yesterday, a friend's daughter gave birth to her second son. He was born on February 7, 2012 at 12:47. He weighed 7 lbs. 7 oz. He was 21 (3x7) inches with a 14 (2x7) inch head circumference. He is our friends' 7th grandchild. Even I, who am not a real believer in luck and numbers am pretty amazed by the glut of 7's involved in this child's birth. I hope he is lucky and that he brings luck to his family.

I was really happy that I was one of the first to get to see him after he was born. My friend kept me updated all morning and I happened to get off work at 1 p.m. so even though it was Tuesday and I had to get to bed early for ad night, I was able to go home, get V., change clothes and drive out to the hospital. By the time we got there, the new mommy was just being wheeled to her room and the new daddy was right behind her with the baby. Our friends. the grandparents had been there since around 10 a.m. and we were there around 2:15. A friend or relative of the new daddy had been there with them also. So when the nurses got mommy situated, we went in the room and baby got picked up and passed around to everyone to hold for a few minutes.

There is nothing like holding a newborn baby. They are so tiny and helpless and perfect and soft. No matter the circumstance of how they arrive, it's hard to think of them as anything less than a miracle. I no longer take a healthy birth for granted after a couple of people I know went through terrible experiences when things went awry. A full term, healthy, normal baby is a beautiful and awe-inspiring creature. I hope and pray that I get to hold grandchildren of my own someday. 

When V. and I checked in at the hospital to visit, a few people assumed we were new grandparents. We talked about how great it will be when we really are. It warmed my heart that V. wanted to go with me to see the baby. I don't know that he feels all that close to the new mommy but when I called him from work to see if he wanted to go, there was no hesitation. (I've seen him around kids and they all seem to love him.) As we were driving he talked about being in the delivery room for his son's birth in 19- but when his daughter was born 10 years earlier (in another country), he could only send "food and messages" in to his wife. And he said that he has had to adjust to a much more casual approach to handling infants than he was used to. Especially when his daughter was little, infants were seen as very fragile and susceptible to harm.

While I believe that is still true, if a baby is healthy, I think it helps them get strong and resilient and adaptable if you don't try to keep everyone away from them. I mean, of course you don't want someone who is sick giving the baby germs, but healthy friends and family should not be denied the chance to hold that little bundle of joy.

Thoughts about the Super Bowl

This year the big game is between 2 east coast teams--New York Giants and New England Patriots. Although there is not as much excitement here (in California) as there would be if ANY western teams were involved, the advertisers want us to believe that the Super Bowl is as big an event as any holiday. There will be lots of parties and much consumption of unhealthy food and drinks. It is a prime example of the misplaced priority that we Americans place on our entertainment. People root for football (or any sport) teams with a passion and fervor that could go a long way toward making our world a better place if it were directed toward accomplishments that really meant something. I will not deny that I enjoy watching sports, and I don't think there's anything wrong with being a sports fan. I just wish that all the energy and the obscene amount of money that is generated by these contests and paid to these athletes was available to our schools, our researchers looking for cures for cancer and other diseases, our police and firemen. I know it's an unrealistic notion. I don't have any idea how we could encourage this shift in thinking, but I sure would like to see it.

death . . .

Last month 2 people that I know from work died unexpectedly. One was E. a sweet, short, round black woman who had the kindest spirit anyone can imagine. She became a checker at the store and she was a little worried about being slow and having a lot of questions, but the way she treated people from her bosses to the customers to the kids that were bagging for her made everyone fall in love with her. Even when she was in a great deal of pain with problems in her knees and hips, she never let her pain color her mood. She talked about her family with great fondness and she always made everyone feel like she thought they were just the greatest thing since sliced pie. She had been transferred from our store some time ago but when we heard about her passing it hit us all really hard, as if she had been among us that very day. I hope I leave just a smidgen of the kind of legacy of love that E. did.
I didn't know G., the other person that died very well but her death was felt pretty strongly in our workplace as well. She was younger than E.and very close in age to a lot of us. When someone of your own age dies suddenly, it hits you square in the chest. That could have been me. It really makes you stop and think that you really don't know what day will be your last. And am I doing the things that I would do if I knew I would be gone tomorrow? I'm not talking about the huge things--do I have the right job? Have I gone the places I want to go? Have I accomplished my goals? No, although it might make us re access those things, too. I'm just talking about how we treat each other. Have I told and showed my kids and my husband that I love them today? Have I acted in a loving manner? Have I been kind, forgiving, compassionate?