I don't want to stop thinking about him. .

                                                                  

 It's hard to understand how one day a person can play wiffle ball and post a picture on facebook of three darts in close proximity to a bull's eye on which he got several good-natured comments and the next day decide that life is not worth living. I have tried to figure out what was going through his mind in the last few days of his life. We have all been asking ourselves, "When was the last time we talked to him? What did we say? What did he say?" We are trying to figure out if he gave us any clues to the depth of his despair.

       I know my sister was profoundly worried about him a few short months ago but everyone was in agreement that he seemed to be doing better. He had gotten a new job, he was making some friends. He talked to all of us, his closest family and friends over the last couple of weeks. I wonder if he had made his decision and he was at peace with it and didn't want any of us to suspect.

       He called me just a week ago or so. With profound sorrow I remember that I didn't talk to him long before passing the phone to my daughter, as I thought they would have more to talk about than he and I. Oh, how I wish I had talked to him longer. Not that I think I could have changed his mind. I had no idea what he was thinking. I just wish I had a longer conversation to remember. I wish I felt like I had connected with him that one last time. He had called to tell me he was sorry that he hadn't thanked me for his birthday card and $ that I sent in November. He had turned 30. I asked if his mom had yelled at him about it and he said, "no, she doesn't yell, she just reminded me." Of course, I forgave him. I think I asked how he was doing. I just don't remember much more of what we said. He sounded good. But I just thought he might want to talk to his cousin more than he'd want to talk to me. Now I keep wondering if he was saying his goodbyes to us. Letting us know that he loved us. And I barely talked to him. I'm so mad at myself.

       As for the almost bullseye that was the last thing he posted on facebook. . . I wonder if it's symbolic of something. That would be like Caleb. I also wonder if there is a message he left somewhere. He was a writer after all.