I don't want to stop thinking about him . . .part 3

       Every time I open my phone contacts and scroll through the C's, there's his name, Caleb Churder. My heart lurches and a heaviness fills my chest. I don't want to delete it. I don't want to erase the reminders of him that continue to be in my life. . . that will always be in my life. But damn it--I can't call him anymore. Same thing for his address in my phone book. He's not there to receive a letter or the birthday card I always send him in November. He's not there. . . although I occasionally find myself talking to him as if he were next to me, accompanying me in the mundane activities of my day. How I wish I could really talk to him again. How I wish I could do over the last conversation I had with him. Really ask how he was doing. Really hear his heart.

       How I wish I had bought the book he wrote when he told me it was available. Sure, I bought it now, but it's too late. Too late to show him my support. I'm reading it slowly as if I can keep him with me by hearing the words he wrote like it's a current conversation we are having.

       The thing that weighs heavily in my heart and my gut is how fast life moves on. I do not want to move on yet. I need time to process this loss. A long, long time.  I hate that it's just been over two weeks--we're not even out of the month that it happened, and it already feels like I'm dragging it on to express my sadness. That's just not right Dammit! This boy mattered to me! ALOT!

       When people ask how I am, I don't really want to say fine, although out of habit, I usually do. But in my heart I'm not fine. And I don't really want to be fine. It's just too soon.

      

reconstructing memories. . .part 1

Yesterday, I was struck by a memory of Caleb that made me smile and I started to think about it so that I could write it down and not forget it. But my memory is not completely clear so I will reconstruct the bits and pieces of it that came to me and if anyone else remembers it, they can add to it or correct what I didn't get right.

       I was working at Lucky (a grocery store) and I was on the express lane (which I always hated.) I was going through the motions, just trying to get through the day when a young man came through my checkstand. I rang up his order and he left but a few minutes later he went through my line again. Now, here is where my memory is really fuzzy. I don't remember if it was just the fact that I knew he had just gone through my line, or if he had a single rose (for some reason, I really think he might have bought a flower,) or if he attempted to purchase alcohol which forced me to look at his ID and really look at him, but when I did, my eyes grew wide and my mouth dropped open and I about wanted to jump over the checkstand. I loved the look of mischief he had on his face when the recognition dawned in mine. It was my nephew, Caleb, standing in front of me and it was the first time I had seen him with facial hair. It was at that point that I noticed my sister and brother-in-law standing a few feet away, laughing at me. I was chagrined that I had not recognized this boy who was so dear to me (and that I was so zoned out that it took him going through my line twice to get my attention) but it had been a while since I'd seen them and I could not believe how much he'd grown up. Suddenly, the precious little boy was a man.

I don't want to stop thinking about him. . . Part 2

When you lose someone dear to you, and you have to get back to your regular routine, it's difficult to know how you're supposed to act. You have this person on your mind constantly but you have to function "normally" even though you don't feel normal. Because nothing is ever going to be normal again. There's a piece of you missing.

       On one hand, you want everyone to know what you are going through so that they understand why it's harder to smile, why you are constantly sighing and why every now and then, you have to find a place to be alone and pull yourself together. But on the other hand, you don't really want people to ask you what's wrong, because if you really answer--that's when you can't hold back the tears.

       And then there are the times when you actually forget for a little while and when you catch yourself--you feel as if your dear one is slipping away. . .

       I want to read every word he ever wrote, I want to listen to the music he liked, I want to look at every picture anyone ever took of him. I want to talk to those who knew and loved him, I want to remember all the things we did together, all the things we talked about. I don't want to stop thinking about him, because that's all I have left.

I don't want to stop thinking about him. .

                                                                  

 It's hard to understand how one day a person can play wiffle ball and post a picture on facebook of three darts in close proximity to a bull's eye on which he got several good-natured comments and the next day decide that life is not worth living. I have tried to figure out what was going through his mind in the last few days of his life. We have all been asking ourselves, "When was the last time we talked to him? What did we say? What did he say?" We are trying to figure out if he gave us any clues to the depth of his despair.

       I know my sister was profoundly worried about him a few short months ago but everyone was in agreement that he seemed to be doing better. He had gotten a new job, he was making some friends. He talked to all of us, his closest family and friends over the last couple of weeks. I wonder if he had made his decision and he was at peace with it and didn't want any of us to suspect.

       He called me just a week ago or so. With profound sorrow I remember that I didn't talk to him long before passing the phone to my daughter, as I thought they would have more to talk about than he and I. Oh, how I wish I had talked to him longer. Not that I think I could have changed his mind. I had no idea what he was thinking. I just wish I had a longer conversation to remember. I wish I felt like I had connected with him that one last time. He had called to tell me he was sorry that he hadn't thanked me for his birthday card and $ that I sent in November. He had turned 30. I asked if his mom had yelled at him about it and he said, "no, she doesn't yell, she just reminded me." Of course, I forgave him. I think I asked how he was doing. I just don't remember much more of what we said. He sounded good. But I just thought he might want to talk to his cousin more than he'd want to talk to me. Now I keep wondering if he was saying his goodbyes to us. Letting us know that he loved us. And I barely talked to him. I'm so mad at myself.

       As for the almost bullseye that was the last thing he posted on facebook. . . I wonder if it's symbolic of something. That would be like Caleb. I also wonder if there is a message he left somewhere. He was a writer after all.

I only had one nephew

                                                   

I only had one nephew.

His name was Caleb David Churder. He was born on November 7, 1982 the youngest of my sister's three kids. He left this earth on January 11, 2013. I was going to say that he left US, but really, I don't think it was us he was leaving, I believe he was leaving his earthly struggle with a pain that we will never understand. His mom and dad, his sisters, myself and my kids as well as many other people loved this boy fiercely and will hold him in our hearts for the rest of our earthly days. None of us can quite comprehend or believe that he will not be part of any family gatherings that occur from now on. None of us will ever have a chance to hear his laugh, talk to him, hug him or express our love to him in any way ever again.

       None of us understands why he did it. Yes, he was struggling financially, yes, he was depressed, but he had plans, he had dreams, and he was so full of ideas that we were all sure that one of these days he was going to hit it big.

       This kid was brilliant. I mean he was so smart that he tested out of high school at 16, and was teaching some kind of college class when he was 18. I'm totally serious and that is not a typo--he was teaching. College. He also wrote poems and stories. He was so brilliant that at times he would be describing his ideas or explaining a story and what he said would be flying right over our heads, but he was so passionate and excited that we did our best to encourage him to continue. I'm sure his brilliance probably isolated him to some degree. When no one around you is on your intellectual level, it's gotta be lonely.

       But on the other hand, we all know Caleb loved us and enjoyed talking to us. His sisters, in particular, had a warm, close, intimate relationship with him.  The 3 of them were born 2 years apart and at some point early in their lives, I think it was their dad that started calling them "The Churder babies" and they were pretty much inseparable. My sister was going through pictures to illustrate Caleb's life and there were dozens of the three of them together laughing and being silly and enjoying each other's company. I can't even describe how incredible my sister's kids are and how much I love them. The hole that is created by Caleb's absence from their lives is an abomination. It just can't be! But it is. I ache that my nieces will never get to hang out and joke around with their brother again. I ache that my sister and brother-in-law will never be able to hug their son again. Especially my sister. My sister. Cannot hug her son. Ever again. As a mother, I can only imagine the profoundness of this pain.

       It's so hard to process this loss.

       My own kids were close to Caleb as well. Although I come from a family of 5 siblings, only one of my sisters and I were blessed with children. We were the 2 youngest siblings in our family and maybe it had something to do with our family's loss of our mother at a young age that the older three of our siblings chose not to have kids.

       So my sister, Elizabeth, had her first child when I was 19. I adored that baby. And when her second little girl came along, I adored her, too. And unbelievably enough, when Caleb came along, I had enough adoration to adore him as well. I hung out with them ALOT. Many of the photos that my sister has of her kids when they were little were photos I took because I thought those kids were so incredibly adorable. And THEY WERE! I have a bond with my sister's kids that is hard to explain but very strong. So when my kids came along, it was natural for them to become good friends with their cousins. More accurately, the five of them were closer than friends, closer than cousins. They were more like siblings. They all love each other deeply and consider each other the coolest people on earth. Not in a conceited way. Just in a love each other way.

       Over the years we haven't often lived in close proximity to each other but somehow we have managed to maintain a very close relationship.

       I haven't even sat down to look through my own pictures of my nephew but I know that I have many, and they will stir up memories of all the good times we had together. Caleb even lived with us for a little while a few years ago. I remember that he built a frame for a ping pong table we had that was falling apart. He and I shared a gene of competitiveness that compelled him to put together this ping pong table so that we could play each other. I remember him making up words for some of the things that occurred with the ping pong ball that there were no terms for. I just tried to find the notebook where he wrote those down and I don't know where it is. I hope I can find it. I'm sure as I go through my things, I will come across many reminders of the time we spent together. And every time I do, a stab of pain will pierce my heart. But that's okay because the pain of losing him is a reminder of how much I loved him.

I only had one nephew. And now he's gone.

2012 my year in review

       At the start of a new year, I like looking back over the previous one and thinking about the things that happened that stand out in my mind. This past year started out in some difficulty for us because Vladi was out of work and my hours were somewhat unstable, but in April, Vladi started working for a company called Morrow Meadows and I took on the position of lead scan coordinator when my boss Tracy was transferred to Carpinteria. Since then, our income has been nice and steady and we've been able to start thinking about getting some of our credit debt paid off. I'm hoping that 2013 will be the year when we can really make some progress with that (as long as Vladi keeps working and Albertson's stays in business.) Morrow Meadows has been such a relief after the company that Vladi worked for just prior to them because they do things properly and they allow overtime. Even though having Vladi working so many Saturdays is not ideal, it has helped our finances. I just hope that we don't end up owing big taxes because of how much we've made this year.

       Taking over the lead scan position has had it's ups and downs. I like that I don't have to worry about getting my hours cut (too much) and that I can do things my way, but I do miss the camraderie that Tracy provided. Lisa and I like each other very much and we work well together but neither of us is the "talker" that Tracy was. She has one of those bigger than life personalities that draws everyone to her and allows everyone to tell her all their news so that she always had a lot to talk about. We miss that. I feel like I'm doing okay in the position but I know that I'm still not, and probably will never be as good at it as Tracy. I think that I sometimes don't realize the importance of certain aspects of the job and possibly have some weak areas in my execution of it. But hopefully I will learn without too many disasters occurring to teach me. I received a "Muscolino" audit a few months ago. This is an audit by an outside company that comes in and tests 5000 items throughout the store for accuracy. In all the Years Tracy has been doing scan, she's never gotten this audit--but 6 months after I take over the job, I get hit. Just my luck! Our company considerers a 99.5% a passing grade. I think I ended up with a 99.1 or something like that. Anyway, there were some definite problems to be addressed in our store and I've been trying to come up with solutions to them, but I think that we are expected to do way more than we can with the hours they give us. Anyway, all in all, I'm really glad that Randy (my store manager) trusted me to take the position.

       Other than work, this year had some other great highlights. Lael's wedding in June was a wonderful event and a wonderful opportunity for Vladi, me, Christy and Ben to give back some of the love that the Heatons showered on us for my wedding. I was SO proud of my kids for the way they pitched in to help in the preparations for the big day. The wedding itself was magical. Tom & Lael held it in a campground where the sunlight filtering through the trees as the sun went down was just the perfect effect to shine on the ceremony. And for the reception, the crew worked hard to string twinkle lights through the huge oak tree positioned over the dance floor constructed by Richard. Much love and hard work went into making the day perfect for these two great young people. And I think we all had a blast. I know I did.

       We also went to Olya and Adam's wedding in October. Although it was a completely different type of wedding, it was also a thoroughly joyous experience. It was wonderful to see how each of these couples made their special day very much their own.

       Vladi and I made the trip to Olya's wedding our vacation for the year. We both took a week off work and planned a nice little trip for ourselves, culminating in attending the wedding. We arranged it so that we had a couple of days all to ourselves on the way up. We stopped in Pismo Beach one day, and Monterey the next. Both towns are lovely and I would like to do that again sometime and maybe even spend a little longer. We got to visit the Monterey Aquarium, which is awesome and enjoyed some great food in the local restaurants. I highly recommend the clam chowder in Pismo Beach! Yum--mmy!

       Once we got to San Francisco, we picked Ben up from the airport and went to the house that we rented. When I was trying to make reservations for our stay in SF, I was shocked by the high prices for the hotel rooms. Because we were going to have to rent 2 rooms for 3 nights, and it happened to be a weekend when both major San Francisco sports franchises were playing important games, the cost was spiraling out of my price range and the availability was decreasing by the day. Olya was giving us some helpful suggestions and she told us about a website called airbnb that some of her friends had used with good results. What they offer is private parties who have homes or rooms to rent out in whatever area you wish to stay. Well, I went on the website and was very pleased and excited to find reasonable prices and quite a few choices. We ended up renting a 3 bedroom home for our 3 day stay from a very nice young man for what I considered a very fair price.

       Christy took the train up from home and joined us that Friday night. We picked her up from the train station at about 11:00 pm and went back to the house to play our first of several games of "Settlers of Catan" which Ben dominated for the whole weekend. One of my favorite things about this whole trip was getting to spend two restful, fun days with my kids. We had one memorable conversation in an interesting kind of fast food Mediterranean restaurant. We learned something new about each other.

       We had a very enjoyable weekend in San Francisco and attended the wedding on Sunday. It was held on a hotel balcony which overlooked the San Francisco Bay and the Bay bridge. We were treated to a spectacular view of the sunset as Adam and Olya said their beautiful vows to each other and became husband and wife. The toasts that were spoken to Olya and Adam at the reception were touching and heartfelt as well as eye opening for those of us who don't know them in the different areas of their lives. They are both really impressive and accomplished young people. And of course, my husband couldn't be more proud of his baby girl.

      

       Another thing I remember from this year was celebrating my friend Janeen's birthday in May. It is always important to Janeen to spend time with her family and friends, especially on her birthday, and we wanted to think of something fun to spend the day doing. So we went to the Ventura Harbor and walked around the cool little shops, rented paddle-boats, ate ice cream, and went to a seafood place for dinner. Toward the end of the day, we were trying to think of something to do to end the day well. We had seen an advertisement for a comedy club at the Ventura Harbor. Janeen mentioned that she thought that sounded like fun. Two things are unusual about that. I don't think any of us had ever been to a comedy club before--and Janeen doesn't usually speak up about what she wants to do. But since it was HER birthday, we really wanted to do what she wanted. So we went to the comedy club. AND WE HAD SO MUCH FUN! So much that of all the birthdays we celebrated last year, that's the only one I really remember!

       Just a couple of other things. . . Hurricane Sandy directly affected one of my cousins at the end of Oct./beginning of November. He lives in East Rockaway, which has been in several news articles that I've read, cited as being one of the areas hardest hit by this storm. My cousin was able to post pictures of his personal experience of this traumatic event on facebook and it brought the whole news story to a much more personal level for me. For this and other reasons, I really like facebook and the ability it has afforded me to be a small part of the lives of family members that are physically far away. I wanted very much to do something to help my cousin and it warmed my heart when he posted some of the things other family members were doing to send love and support and encouragement to those who had to deal with the destruction of their homes and possessions. Because we've had steady work this year, we were able to send a little love and support as well and it made me feel so good!

       Because of THAT occurring when it did, and also because I've been recording and watching Ellen this season (and truly I don't know how anyone can watch that show and not love her for all she does to help people) it helped me find a little of the Christmas Spirit that I've been struggling to get back over the last few years. Sometime in the beginning of December, I was talking to my friend Stephanie at work and she asked me if I was ready for Christmas. I said something like, "I don't like Christmas anymore. It just stresses me out." And my very wise friend said some things that I guess I was ready to hear. She told me that she had felt that way at one point, too, but she decided that she was just going to make Christmas her own and do the things she enjoyed. She advised me to let go of the expectations, and remember the things that I used to love about it. Then do what I could and don't worry about the rest.

       Then, a couple of days later, she came to work with a big Christmas bag, which she handed me and said, "This is a 12 Days of Christmas bag. There is one little gift to open for each day until Christmas. I hope this helps you get your Christmas Spirit back." I was so touched, I almost cried. I had a lot of fun opening the little gifts each day. It didn't even matter what they were. It meant a lot to me that she was thoughtful enough to do that.

       One more thing happened on the way to Christmas. My daughter was in a dance recital at school. All the dance classes performed a dance by way of their final for the semester. My beautiful daughter shines bright when she dances, because she loves to dance and she is a joy to watch. So I thoroughly enjoyed the recital. Afterward, I took her to dinner and we talked.

       She expressed to me that it made her sad that I didn't really want to do any of the things we used to do for Christmas. It wasn't about the presents. It was more about the traditions. There was a time when I actually put up lights on the outside of the house. I had a long list of people I sent Christmas cards to. I decorated. And we baked cookies. Christy expressed concern that we really didn't have any traditions anymore and she worried that when she has kids, I won't participate in any of that.

       Well, first I reassured her that I was working on getting my Christmas Spirit back. And that I missed it, too. She was happy to hear that. And she was especially happy when I announced a couple of days later that I was going shopping for ingredients for Christmas cookies.

       She and I had a wonderful time baking this year, and I hope that it is the start of a new tradition for us. We are going to make Christmas our own.