Amended version: Father's Day 2015

Update: 8/8/15
It has come to my attention that something I said in this blog when I originally posted it has caused unintended pain to someone that I love (at least 2 people in fact.) I should have chosen my words more carefully and thought it through more thoroughly before putting it out there to the world. It is not worth it to me to post words that hurt people so I hope this can serve as my apology and that this draft of my post will be seen as the story I meant to tell.

        Parenting is not an easy job. Those of us who become parents go into it with all our imperfections and with what we know from our own experience. Whether we make the decision to be nothing like our own parents or we decide to emulate them because we appreciate the way they raised us, we really only have the examples we were shown to forge our own parenting path. Young parents may think that they are going to do everything (or maybe just some things) different with their own kids, but it isn't long before most find themselves using methods that they never thought they would.

        Today is Father's Day and I'm thinking about the many fathers that I know. Oh what infinite variety there is! My own father has been gone for 22 years and I am still sorting through my memories of him and trying to figure out what I learned from him. My life would have been very different if my mother had not died when I was 2 and my dad had not had to figure out what to do from there. My siblings and I were between the ages of 2 and 12 when she died and my dad did not feel capable of caring for us properly by himself. So he placed us as he could--my 3 sisters together in a Catholic girls home, me with a foster family and my brother with a relative. But my dad always had the intention of bringing us back together as soon as we were old enough to take care of ourselves without constant supervision.

        The couple that fostered me desperately wanted to adopt me. Again, my life would have been so incredibly different if my father had let them do it. And I have recently come to wish I had gotten more experience with the dad I would have had in that situation. But I have to say I give my real dad a great deal of credit for wanting to take on the task of bringing his children back together under his own roof under less than ideal circumstances. It had to have been terrible for him to lose his wife when he did.

        He did the best he could in raising us. And I remember a time in my life when I thought he was the best dad in the world. He was never one to share his emotions and he was never very generous with affection. But I do think he tried to let us know he was proud of us. He tried to make us responsible and self-sufficient. He didn't have much tolerance for frivolousness. Actually, he didn't have much tolerance for a lot of things. But I won't go any further into that. Suffice it to say that I knew I'd never change his mind but I did not have to agree with him.

        I guess I'm not one of the people that thinks their dad is or was the greatest dad ever--far from it. But I can say that I know our dad loved us, and for that I am grateful. I also know that because of the way he raised me I became able to take care of myself and have a lot of the skills I needed when I later became a single parent myself.

        Of the other dads I know, the most important would be my husband, Vladi, who has his own 2 kids and has also been step-dad to my kids. Unfortunately, my kids were pretty close to adulthood when Vladi came along and my son Ben, in particular, did not get much of his influence. But Ben appreciates that Vladi relieved him of the role of "man of the family" and enabled him the freedom to go out and forge his own life. For my own part, I am grateful for the way Vladi allowed me to deal with my own kids' issues without interfering with his own opinions, which probably would not have been received well. My daughter, Christy, who has always felt the huge void in her life of not having her own dad, has made efforts to forge a relationship with Vladi and he has embraced her efforts. The two of them both have strong opinions about things and they get on each other's nerves sometimes, but I love that they talk to each other and hash things out and have love and respect for each other.

        As for Vladi's own 2 kids, they couldn't be more different from each other or from my kids. They are about 10 years apart in age and have had vastly different upbringings. Vladi loves them both with all his heart and is proud to see his daughter, Olya married and with her own child, making a wonderful life for herself. His son, Sammy lives with us and is still in the process of growing up. I am trying to let Vladi raise Sammy in his own way just as Vladi gave me that respect with Ben and Christy. Although I don't agree with everything Vladi does where his son is concerned, I know that he has Sammy's best interests at heart and it's just a matter of time until we see what we hope to see in him.

        As I was thinking in my head of all the other dads that I know, I realized how long the list is. I will mention a few but I can't possibly name all the dads I admire. Just know that if you're doing the job--I admire you!

        There are the ones in my family: Rick Churder, (your daughters adore you and I know your son did, too--you've been a good dad!) John Roemer, (Rylee and Jack--what lucky kids to have you and Jess as parents) Adam Singer, (you guys are truly forging your own path--can't wait to see the heights your child will reach) Brian Gagnier, (what a special and unique kid you have. Dani is amazing).

        And the 2 very special dads that have been part of my kids lives since they were babies. Richard Heaton and Ralph Frost Jr. In your own special ways you've been great examples of loving, responsible, humorous, family men that I've been so grateful to have in my and my kids lives.

Happy father's day to all of you and to all the other great men I know!!!