I don't want to stop thinking about him . . .part 4

 

Today it has been one month.

Such a short time--though I'm sure that some people are tired of hearing about this already. . . it's only been a month! My K-bub should not be gone from my life!

 

Yesterday, I was in the store, choosing a birthday card for my own precious son and of course, right next to the "son" cards are the "nephew" cards. I will never get to pick out a nephew card again. I had to keep averting my eyes from them and focus on the young man in my life. It could have been him. As close as those cards are to each other. . . that's how close this death came to me. My son has gone through his own struggles and depression. He has always assured me that he likes himself too much to harm himself, but none of us knew that Caleb would harm himself either. And at least my son understands now why there have been times I've worried about him. He and Caleb were a lot alike in a lot of ways. Caleb had a lot of influence on my son. The music that inspired my son to study music was introduced to him by Caleb.

Both of them are/were truth seekers. Caleb never found the answers he was looking for in this life. He wouldn't settle for answers that did not feel right to him. While going through his things, we found an Ode to my son  that my sister wrote to Caleb addressing that subject. It is so beautiful that I wish I could share it with you but unless my sister gives her permission, I will not violate her privacy that way. My son said that he thinks Caleb had integrity with God because God relishes our search for him and does not expect us to settle for something that does not give our soul solace.

I have to be honest that my relationship with God is estranged and has been for quite some time. I haven't even been doing a lot of seeking, which I know I should even though it's hard. But if I felt like God could hear my prayer right now, my prayer would be that Caleb found his answers. I hate the way it happened, but I pray that God was there on the other side to give him everything he needed. I pray that my own son finds his answers and his joy in a long life here on earth with me and all the other people that love him. He has told me that he needs affirmation and validation outside the sphere of family and friends that have known him all his life and I pray that he gets that, too.

Rest in peace, my precious Caleb.

Live long and prosper, my precious Ben.